Posted by
JTB on Wednesday, January 30, 2008 1:37:49 PM
Fasten Your Seat Belts (B1N@RY N@T10N (A.J. Axline))
Guess what? The person who wins this year's U.S. presidential election isn't going to be who you think it is. There will be accusations of election fraud, of visual minorities who weren't given proper access to voting stations, of compromised voting machines and tainted ballots. And, nothing will come of the accusations. There will be an article in Rolling Stone magazine about the corruption of the democratic process. And, no one will care, and nothing will change. More people will vote for the next American Idol than in the next presidential election.
Guess what? Apple is having trouble convincing everyone to buy a new
iPod or laptop every single year. The investors are shocked. Why can't
open-ended revenue growth, quarter-over-quarter, continue indefinitely?
Apple is shocked. How can someone use the same freaking iPod or laptop
for over a year? That's crazy talk. Let's make it easier for people to
get credit cards and second mortgages. Let's keep this train MOVING.
Or, lets make crappier laptops and iPods that stop working after a
year. This used to be known as "built-in obsolescence": it is now known
as "investor relations".
Guess what? Windows XP is better than Windows Vista. They're both a
year older, and that simple fact hasn't changed one bit or byte. Try
again, Redmond. Try harder.
Guess what? Blu-Ray is going to win the high-definition optical disk
format war. And by win, I mean that it will be the only choice
available while the consumer adoption rate remains slower than an old
lady behind the wheel of a Delta 88 (blue paint job matching her hair
color) during rush hour. Consumers are starting to notice when they're
getting urinated on by conglomerates hawking "the next best thing". And
the bottom line is that there's nothing wrong with DVDs... nothing
wrong with them at all.
Guess what? In 2008, you still won't have any privacy on the Internet. And, most people have gotten over it. Or, don't get it.
Guess what? More people are going to get stun-gunned to death by law
enforcement officers this year. But stun guns are still technically
non-lethal. Just ask the makers of the Taser: they paid for the study
that proves it.
Guess what? Somebody is going to die on the "set" of a reality TV show
this year. The increase in ratings will pay for the civil suit
settlement, and all of the criminal fines. Writers? Who needs writers?
This stuff writes itself!
Guess what? Lithium-ion batteries have hit the wall. There is nothing
coming out that's better; nothing is going to replace them this year.
In fact, there will be another major battery recall in the next 12
months after some manufacturer creates incendiary battery bombs trying
to shove another twenty minutes of power into their product.
Guess what? Personal fire extinguishers are going to be a 'hot' product
this year. As will stun gun-blocking chain mail vests. The SCA geeks
will be jubilant.
Guess what? Plug-in hybrids will hit the market this year. The people
who could get the best use out of them, the average lower-to-middle
class working commuter, won't be able to afford them. And the vehicles
still won't work as well as they should. The auto industry invented
cripple-ware, did you know that? True story.
Guess what? Somebody is going to release a tech product this year that
will "--mark the demise of paper-based books." And, it won't.
Guess what? It's incredibly annoying when somebody stands in front of
you and stridently says "Guess what?" every so often. Which is why you
should print a hard copy of this column, and go read it to a co-worker.
Pick someone who has been gloating about the great price they got on an
HD-DVD player over Christmas.
A.J. Axline is a technical writer, freelance
columnist, deejay, and crossword puzzle enthusiast. In his spare time,
he likes sleeping and laying around on the couch.